Plans

So... I am going to try and make it out to Mexico for New Years. I'm not sure if it'll be by bus or plane though, as round trip plane tickets are about $900 right now :O  A bus is certainly cheaper. It would be nice to meet Edwin at the border and ride back to Leon together, also. But it is also almost a 3 day trip on a bus. I can't afford that much time. I want to spend 2 weeks there. That will be hard enough to accomplish as my job didn't even want to give me more than a week off last year. I hope that since I am more integrated into my company this year, they'll be willing to work with me.

It makes me happy and breaks my heart that if I go for a "vacation," it'll just make both of us sad all over again. I really want to just have him here. This trip is basically a make it or break it thing. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't focused solely on myself. I wish I could move to Mexico with no qualms about it. Just to make it all better. But that wouldn't be the right thing for me. Or would it? Career wise it might be a good move as there are tons of American corporations near Leon. Mexico is not what I want right now. Sacrificing my goals for love is a hard pill to swallow. I haven't a clue what I'll do. I know we won't last with how we are right now.

I'm just so tired. I can't wait til New Years. 3rd one in a row in Leon, hopefully. Then what...?

I like both.

I miss going to the market every day to buy chicken, cheese, and pizza sauce. I don't necessarily miss going every day due to living day to day. We'd park the bike or get out of the cab (in the earlier days) and navigate through the maze of goods for sale. I feel like we lost the cheese guy a lot, even though he was in the center of the market. He called Edwin "Chino" because of his wavy, long hair. I'm sure he noticed him more so because he came in with a white girl every time.

A few times, I'd be left alone with the bike and the stuff we'd bought. I'd watch all the people pass. All on their way to something. Whether it be the meat guy, the cheese guy, or the locksmith. I'd notice the every so often curious glances. I always imagined they thought I was crazy. I figured every one I came across in Mexico thought I was crazy. To miss that or to miss this. I'm never sure which one wins. Living in another country will do that to you.

Stagnant

Loss of motivation. I feel as though I've been like that in a few areas of my life. Mainly school. Mainly because I'm taking two super hard classes (statistics and public speaking) online. There is so much that goes into them that it makes me want to quit. Obviously, I can't do that. I'm 4 years in. Senior status. So close to new job opportunities... I'll get through it. I'm just not super pleased. It is however, October. I love October.

I also give up too easily on my relationship when something bad happens. The moment shit hits the fan, I close myself off and we don't talk for a few weeks. Like anyone in a difficult situation, I try to limit the stressful moments that make me want to punch something. Recently, I've learned a lot about myself. I'm far too anxious. About everything. I've never really noticed. There's always the typical stressors like school, my relationship, or work in general.. but I also nitpick people to death in my head. If someone deviates from the way I do things, I silently flip. Not always. Mostly at work. So I'm convinced I have a moderate case of anxiety, like a million other people who are all Xanax-ed out in the United States of America. Shit is unacceptable to me. Nerve pills killed my pride and got my knee all fucked up at bus station in Mexico. I'm good.

Music is the only thing that helps me cope. And then it makes me upset because I feel the lyrics a little too hard. I do know that I couldn't work at my current job without my jam session breaks. I'd be far too sassy. The plasma center just makes you want to be a bitch. An enabler, if you will. Anywho, after not talking to Edwin for a few weeks, Dave Matthews came out with a new CD (Away from the World). Wouldn't you know every song on there is a love song describing the longing for things to be different. Okay not every song, but 4 out of 11 were extremely depressing for me. That shit came out at a good..or bad time, depending on how you look at it. If I didn't hear some of that, I would have walked away, maybe for good. Because working on a relationship from afar is very difficult.

So here begins October, a month full of cool weather (unless you're in Mexico), haunted houses (unless you're in Mexico?), and beer (of course if you're in Mexico).

Oh wait, its only the 30th. ha. Happy October Eve, then.

Instagramin my little heart out

I am an Instagram nerd. Not to the point of posting pictures of my breakfast or anything... but I do enjoy it. Not for the filters either. I just like sharing pictures on a platform besides Facebook. I hate privatizing my thingsI kind of have to on FB. Instagram, not so much ;)  So, here are some recent ones that I'd like to share.

This is Glencoe Place in Cincinnati. It's a housing development that is now abandoned. Every time they tried to fix it and bring in new tenants, it gets over run with drugs :\  Regardless, it is a very cute little neighborhood of row houses that has so much potential. Maybe someday it'll shine again. (More about Glencoe)

This is my sweet shot glass that I got as a gift from Edwin's uncle. He also gave me his awesome Azteced-out tequila bottle that I really cherish... I do need to get the shot glass fixed b/c at the top, the glass is broken. Not safe :(

Edwin & I. This was taken on my birthday (Feb) before we went to dinner. A Corona is on his head? Not sure why hehe

Clearwater Beach, FL. I used lots of filtering on this. Wasn't really needed, but whatev. I went a week ago and it was fantabulous. I really took advantage of the beach this trip and even swam out to the sandbar everyday! Now that I'm not scared of the ocean anymore, I feel like I'm a Pisces through and through ;)

Dolphins! We were on the Pier in Clearwater around sunset (when dolphins/sharks are close to shore for food) and saw a big group of them. There were probably about 15 of them total. I've never seen any up close! It made me so happy and lucky to be in the right place at the right time.

Me & my friend Brittany at Crabby Bill's in Indian Rocks Beach. I HAD to make it back to this one because the food was bomb a few years ago. It's still delicioso and I'm glad we were able to have a few drinks there too.

This was a really fun night at the towers. Edwin looks so Salvadoran here lol (he's a mutt, mex/sal)

bahaha my hair looks superb here. Very backwoods. Anyway, I'm at "the farm" in Kentucky here. My best friend and I go out with her family for 4th of July every year and its AWESOME. Got to shoot a 22 for the first time and it was a blast.

Abby (whose preggers and due in 3 weeks!!), me, and Emily out the other night. Best friends 4 eva hahaha seriously I love these girls sooo much

Alrighty, that's all for now :)

It's complicated.

Sooooooo, I haven't posted since what, May? There have been many, many reasons for that. For awhile, I didn't think it was right to even update this blog. I have my head back on a bit better. I'm more comfortable with posting now... At the beginning of June, I was fed up. I came back home in April and don't want to leave again. I realized that I'd have to leave Ohio forever if I stayed with Edwin, as he's in Mexico. I broke up with him because I wanted freedom. I seriously need freedom. For the two years that Edwin has been in Mexico, my only goal was to make it to him and live there side by side. I spent one year saving up money and building up enough balls to tell my parents that I was going to make a two week trip to Mexico. I spent the next year doing the same thing but instead, building up the balls to tell them I was moving for six months. Instead of living life, I was on the phone all the time with Edwin and in bed by midnight. I don't regret it. I just don't want to do that anymore.

When I first came back to the U.S, I took my relationships with friends much more seriously. Before, I really loved spending time with my friends.. BUT I always wished I was somewhere else (Mexico). Being back, I relished in speaking English and meeting new people. I have plans for concerts of all sorts this summer and fall. I love work and being able to drive there on my own. I adore knowing my town like the back of my hand. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. To drop all of it and go back to Mexico permanently might break me. I went stir crazy there. I do realize that I can do all of those things there, but I don't really want to. Yet, I still want to be with Edwin. I just want him back in Ohio.... but it is not the right choice for him, me, or us.

Back to like June 3rd... I was just done. I wasn't happy about it, just numb. In the month that we didn't talk, I was okay. I was staying out late and waking up early, without a care in the world. I went to my first Phish concert (which was amazing, btw). I felt and looked beautiful. I'd never been real deal skinny until I lived in Mexico. I was loving being able to wear a bikini proudly. I can even wear bandeau style bathing suit tops because my boobs are small enough for the first time in my life! haha... it was the little things that made me happy. My life is great in the states and I was realizing that. But, I thought about Edwin everyday. I looked at my blog traffic often and saw someone from Leon, GTO coming by every couple days. I thought it was him and grew sadder (turns out it wasn't him). I wondered how he was and wished I could just call him. It didn't get any easier after that month rolled by.

I finally broke down and called him on a Wednesday. I was off and when I woke up, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I didn't know what to say. We did end up talking for hours on his cell phone number. Any of you all that call Mexico know how much more it costs to call a cell phone instead of a house phone. I didn't care. We've been talking since then but I don't know where we're at right now. I'm good with that. We started off as just friends 3 years ago. Being able to have him in my life regardless of the label is refreshing. I feel whole when we're okay.... Now I'm just working on accepting everything.

He wants to immigrate to Canada. Perhaps live in Toronto. Why, that's a 4-5 hour drive to Hamilton, Ohio. I can handle that. We could BOTH actually have decent paying jobs, make car payments, have dinner dates, AND carpet in our house. Trust me, I'd be far more accepting of Mexico if it wasn't so far from home. And if job wages were more. I can't handle living on so little. A one way ticket is almost $400 dollars... I can't afford that ticket to go home as often as I'd like. Neither can my parents. And no way my '96 Infiniti will make it there, around there for a few months, and then back to Ohio. It's laughable. And it leaves me lost. And sad. And angry. Edwin never got deported from anywhere. But all his "history" is made in the United States, which complicates a lot. He has the potential to come back to the U.S, but the chance is slim to none. I wonder if it's even worth it to pay all the money to try. Oh the conundrum... I love my life, but I can't handle it sometimes...

I have already walked on passed my crossroads and took another chance on someone I love. I have my fingers crossed. Prayers needed. Bye ya'll.

Happenings

I've been uninspired. I've worked for the last I don't know how many days. I'm not complaining, just busy. I'm always busy here, I'm never home. I now have two jobs. I work at the plasma center and a pizza place. Ha, go figure, right? I dig it though. Having two part time jobs can be crappy but I'm used to my schedule now. 12 hour days are no longer daunting. It's whatever. I'm getting paid tomorrow. No more brokeass-ness for a little while. I'm grateful to have these jobs. It's always nice to know people! Heck of a lot easier to find work.

I like my new job @ the pizza place. It's a local one that's brand new. I love the food and so does everyone else. It's so busy during lunch. I just feel it's good for the city. There isn't much in our downtown and to see a new business open and thrive is inspiring. The first day that I made walking deliveries, I saw so much more beauty in downtown than I see when driving through it. It has always been kind of dead. A few years ago, a company renovated two gorgeous buildings on our high street (my mom works in one of them), turned the top floors into lofts, and businesses started opening up in the previously vacant buildings. It's great to see, as I got to see these buildings per-renovation. There is a certain charm about my town now. Other people are noticing too.

This alley used to be super creepy and dark. I'm so glad they cleaned it up.

Well anyway, aside from work, I've been with friends. I've got good people around me. My best friend since 4th grade is in her 7th month of pregnancy. I can't believe it! My other best friend is back at school for the summer, which makes me sad. I'm sure she'll be coming down here often though. My other best friend, who is a professor, helps me proofread my papers. My co-workers are all cool, work doesn't suck. I'm doing just fine. One person is always missing but this time around, I'm not gonna stay down about it. I talk to Edwin everyday and I'm happy. As long as we can make this work, which we have before, I'll be back with him. I'm just grateful for the time spent here. Being able to articulate things in English is something I sorely missed.

Best friends.

And lastly, I took some sweet pictures of an abandoned group of row houses on Glencoe Place in Cincinnati. They were built in the 1870's and have so much potential. It has always had a serious drug problem any time residents have moved into them. I believe it's because it's a small community within a community. It's sort of isolated because it's built going down a steep hill with trees surrounding it. There was once a hotel, as well. It's definitely ugly beautiful.

I like the painted doors. Some of the houses had flowers painted on them, too.

I guess its obvious that I love old homes and the history behind them. It stems from the fact that I was raised in an old home. Built in 1925. I'm blessed. I love what surrounds me.

Home again

Alright so.. I finally feel more settled at the end of this week. As I said before, I started work last week. I still don't have a set schedule. That turned out to be kind of nice on Friday. I worked from 9 to 12 and was able to have lunch with my granny and brother. I won't be able to do that for awhile so I figured I'd take advantage. Other than work, I've been with close friends everyday. It's been nice that even though so much has changed in their lives, some things remain the same. It doesn't even seem I was gone for 6 months... But I come back and just about all of them have moved and upgraded. It's nice to see. My parents actually went to Jamaica last week and left me a week after I got back! ha it's fine though... I enjoyed that week of quiet around the house. I got a lot more accomplished.

So here I sit on Sunday, splitting time between this, homework, and Spotify. Edwin's at the shop. I'm not sure how business has been, but I have my fingers crossed for them. I am planning on making it out to my cousin's house for Sunday dinner later. I'll get to see her son, who I haven't seen since I got back. He's been asking about me and I can't wait to see him :)  I think it'll be a good day, even with the rain and clouds. Next week should get nicer. April showers bring May flowers, right?

Well, I wish I had more to say. While I'm more settled, I am still transitioning. I miss my boyfriend. I miss Mexico... even though it got on my nerves a lot while there. The American way pisses me off more now, but I try to ignore it. I'm still not trying to gorge on food. My stomach is smaller now and I want to embrace that, not stretch it out again. I'm happy eating like a bird, just until I'm not hungry anymore. More leftovers for me, right! So goodbye ya'll. Maybe in a few days, I'll discuss some culture shock things. It really tripped me out this time.