Sooooooo, I haven't posted since what, May? There have been many, many reasons for that. For awhile, I didn't think it was right to even update this blog. I have my head back on a bit better. I'm more comfortable with posting now... At the beginning of June, I was fed up. I came back home in April and don't want to leave again. I realized that I'd have to leave Ohio forever if I stayed with Edwin, as he's in Mexico. I broke up with him because I wanted freedom. I seriously need freedom. For the two years that Edwin has been in Mexico, my only goal was to make it to him and live there side by side. I spent one year saving up money and building up enough balls to tell my parents that I was going to make a two week trip to Mexico. I spent the next year doing the same thing but instead, building up the balls to tell them I was moving for six months. Instead of living life, I was on the phone all the time with Edwin and in bed by midnight. I don't regret it. I just don't want to do that anymore.
When I first came back to the U.S, I took my relationships with friends much more seriously. Before, I really loved spending time with my friends.. BUT I always wished I was somewhere else (Mexico). Being back, I relished in speaking English and meeting new people. I have plans for concerts of all sorts this summer and fall. I love work and being able to drive there on my own. I adore knowing my town like the back of my hand. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. To drop all of it and go back to Mexico permanently might break me. I went stir crazy there. I do realize that I can do all of those things there, but I don't really want to. Yet, I still want to be with Edwin. I just want him back in Ohio.... but it is not the right choice for him, me, or us.
Back to like June 3rd... I was just done. I wasn't happy about it, just numb. In the month that we didn't talk, I was okay. I was staying out late and waking up early, without a care in the world. I went to my first Phish concert (which was amazing, btw). I felt and looked beautiful. I'd never been real deal skinny until I lived in Mexico. I was loving being able to wear a bikini proudly. I can even wear bandeau style bathing suit tops because my boobs are small enough for the first time in my life! haha... it was the little things that made me happy. My life is great in the states and I was realizing that. But, I thought about Edwin everyday. I looked at my blog traffic often and saw someone from Leon, GTO coming by every couple days. I thought it was him and grew sadder (turns out it wasn't him). I wondered how he was and wished I could just call him. It didn't get any easier after that month rolled by.
I finally broke down and called him on a Wednesday. I was off and when I woke up, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I didn't know what to say. We did end up talking for hours on his cell phone number. Any of you all that call Mexico know how much more it costs to call a cell phone instead of a house phone. I didn't care. We've been talking since then but I don't know where we're at right now. I'm good with that. We started off as just friends 3 years ago. Being able to have him in my life regardless of the label is refreshing. I feel whole when we're okay.... Now I'm just working on accepting everything.
He wants to immigrate to Canada. Perhaps live in Toronto. Why, that's a 4-5 hour drive to Hamilton, Ohio. I can handle that. We could BOTH actually have decent paying jobs, make car payments, have dinner dates, AND carpet in our house. Trust me, I'd be far more accepting of Mexico if it wasn't so far from home. And if job wages were more. I can't handle living on so little. A one way ticket is almost $400 dollars... I can't afford that ticket to go home as often as I'd like. Neither can my parents. And no way my '96 Infiniti will make it there, around there for a few months, and then back to Ohio. It's laughable. And it leaves me lost. And sad. And angry. Edwin never got deported from anywhere. But all his "history" is made in the United States, which complicates a lot. He has the potential to come back to the U.S, but the chance is slim to none. I wonder if it's even worth it to pay all the money to try. Oh the conundrum... I love my life, but I can't handle it sometimes...
I have already walked on passed my crossroads and took another chance on someone I love. I have my fingers crossed. Prayers needed. Bye ya'll.
Black Bean Flautas
1 day ago